First Semester

Senior year has already gone by so fast. I only have one semester left of high school! Then I'm in college and real life has to start. This year in Senior Lit and Comp we covered a lot of different topics but it was never overwhelming. With a class full of seniors the first thing on our mind is college. I started the year writing my college essay. I was terrified of this part of the college application. I have never been too confident in my writing, but this essay I loved. It was so easy to write and the essay I submitted has already gotten me into CU. Colleges want to know about the person applying so writing an essay for colleges is like writing a memoir. That was the next unit. I got to pick a memoir to read and present it to the class. I chose to read Let's Pretend This Never Happened by Jenny Lawson. Her story is about her growing up and dealing with anxiety and a crazy family. It's a string of stories that she wants to pretend never happened but made her who she is. Lawson became a famous blogger, The Bloggess, and lives a great life with her husband and daughter. I loved her book and was laughing the whole time I was reading. I made one of my first Prezi presentation and told the class about Let's Pretend This Never Happened. I think it went well and, even though I don't like standing in front of the class and presenting, I've gotten a lot more comfortable talking in front of people.
After everyone presented their memoirs, which took a long time, we moved onto controversial topics. We started reading The Laramie Project. I really enjoyed the play and our discussions were much better than I've had in any other class. Everyone tried to get engaged and it wasn't just a few people talking the whole time. We all analysed the book together. My favorite part of that unit was seeing all the different views of the Matthew Shepard murder. Nothing is one sided and this case made it very clear. Then we got to draw our own conclusions about the case in an essay. It was like we were detectives or lawyers stating our case. It was fun. Then came controversial debates. I partnered up with my friend Brandon to argue about the drinking age. We are both pretty neutral about the topic but I am arguing that the drinking age should be lowered to 18 and he is arguing that it should stay at 21. I still have to finish my essay supporting my side but the powerpoint is looking really good. I spent a lot of time researching different sides of the argument and found some that I never would have thought of. For example, binge drinking is a huge problem for teens because they hide their drinking from their elders and therefore makes them more susceptible to alcohol poisoning. I give my presentation this Friday and I think it will go well.
Overall, this has been my favorite english class I've had in my four years of high school. I like what we are learning about and how it is preparing us for college and beyond. I look forward to coming to the class even though it's usually freezing! It is a hard class. It's not the easy A I've been used to in regular english but I've never been overwhelmed. I have to work hard but it's never been so much work that I am worried about failing an assignment. I have enjoyed this semester and look forward to the next one.

What really happened that night?

Why did Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson kill Matthew Shepard? The Laramie Project wants its viewers to believe that it was a hate crime. Shepard was killed because he was gay. The ABC 20/20 special report on the Matthew Shepard case wants to prove that there is more to the case. That McKinney's childhood affected his decision to kill Shepard. Maybe Meth played a role. I don't know which to believe. Each piece has good points and interviews from key people involved in the case. I think it's impossible to say there is one thing that made this happened. 

I believe their was a combination of things that lead to Matthew Shepard's death. McKinney and Shepard may have been dealing with depression and were using Meth to cope with it. Meth can make a person do terrible things and takes away their self control. If McKinney and Henderson were tweaking they wouldn't have thought twice about hurting Matthew until he was practically dead. I am still unsure if I believe that McKinney and Shepard knew each other. If they were both in the drug circle, they could have easily crossed paths. I don't believe they were working together. I don't think Shepard was a dealer but McKinney definitely could have been. With such a small town they probably did meet. It is possible Shepard owed his two attackers money. It's said money meant nothing to him so maybe not. 

There is definitely an issue of classism in the case. McKinney and Henderson both come from poorer families and didn't continue their education. Matthew Shepard comes from money and has a great supportive family. The idea of robbing Shepard because he was an easy target would be completely plausible but because they beat him with such intensity and torturously it wasn't the only factor.  

Depression, hate, homosexuallity, Meth, money and classism all seem to be a part of this case. I could never say one factor was the real reason Matthew Shepard was killed. It has to be a combination of all or most of them. 

What is Truth?

I don't know what to think now. After reading The Laramie Project and watching several news clips on the same event, I don't know what to believe. After reading The Laramie Project, I was completely convinced that Matthew Shepard was killed because he was gay. I wholeheartedly believed it was a hate crime. I didn't think anything was going to change my mind about it until I watched the 20/20 special on Matthew Shepard. Six years after Matthew Shepard passed away the 20/20 Special Report was aired and the public got to see Aaron McKinny and Russell Henderson and hear their side of the story. They confessed to being on Meth and were tweaking. They hadn't slept in almost a week and were on the drugs. Drugs is always a compelling motive but was that what happened?
In the interviews, McKinny and Henderson both seemed genuinely sorry about what they did. Henderson especially. He says he never actually attacked Matthew but did tie him to the fence. I believe him. His body language was calm and he seemed defeated when he was talking to the interviewer. When someone is lying they look defensive and either lean back or get aggressive. Henderson didn't do either. This in no way excuses him of what happened that night. He was still there and saw McKinny beat Matthew to the brink of death. He still never called for helped. He did try to stop McKinny. I saw the scar that he got from McKinny hitting him in the face when he tried to stop McKinny. There is still the question of why. Why did McKinny do this?
I don't believe that Aaron McKinny approved of gays. I don't know if he hated them so much that he would target and beat Matthew to death but I don't think he liked gays. There was a claim that Doc and McKinny's girlfriend made about him being bi. If that is true, McKinny would rather die than admit it. He doesn't want to be seen as gay. There was never a drug test done on McKinny or Henderson so we may never know if they were high when they attacked but I think drugs definitely played a role in it. Drugs and Meth in particular can take away a persons better judgement and make them do terrible things. I still don't know what to believe but I think Meth played a bigger part in the crime than Matthew being gay.

The Laramie Project Act 1

Laramie is a small town in Wyoming with lots of wide open space. The whole community is very close and everyone knows everyone else and their business. Laramie has this beautiful trail with a horrible history. Matthew Shepard was brutally beaten on this trail. I found a it was cruel irony for something so horrific to happen in such a beautiful place. Sergeant Hing said: "...All you got to do is turn around, see the mountains, smell the air, listen to the birds...It was a beautiful day... real clear and crisp and the sky was blue... it's just gorgeous" (Kaufman, 8-9).

Matthew is found in this beautiful place but he is in terrible shape. He was beaten repeatedly with the butt of a gun. His head was distorted and he could barely breathe. The only part of his face that was free of blood was where he was crying and the tears washed off his blood. This is the last place the Matthew would remember and the place everyone pilgrimages to in order to pay their respects. He was tied to this fence and left for dead. The beautiful wide open space of Wyoming and it's clear blue sky's are forever tainted by this horrific event. I never expect something horrible to happen in a place of such beauty and peace. I expect it to happen in dark horrible places. Places as serene as this are never though  to be connected to horrible crimes but this one is.

Confidence and Appreciating the Little Things

Frank McCourt was a high school teacher who was originally from Ireland. His thick accent made him insecure when he taught. His students saw him as the easy A and pitied him in a way. Learning that he was the easy teacher made him start to re-evaluate his teaching styles. Frank was never going to be the typical high school teacher. He came from a poverty ridden childhood and had very few connections with his students but he could tell stories. He could get them to think in a different way and for themselves. "You have the right to think for yourself." High schoolers don't know or forget that they can think for themselves. We are all in charge of our own lives and can make our own decisions. Frank McCourt gained confidence in his teaching by challenging students and saw the impact he left on them and what they left with him.

A Stolen Life by Jaycee Dugard is all about confidence. After she was kidnapped, she wasn't allowed to say her name. She was given a new name by her kidnappers and lost her identity. When she was finally able to talk to the police she couldn't even say her name. She hadn't said it in eighteen years but she still remembered it. She ended up writing it down and was finally able to go home. She slowly was able to be the person she should have been. She got her confidence back with her name.

While she was still kidnapped, Jaycee Dugard learned to live with her awful life and make the best of it. She had two children and she loved then. It didn't matter that their father was a sex offender who kidnapped and raped her. They were her children. She even had some compassion for her kidnappers wife, whom he ignored and prefered sleeping with Jaycee.

The Otherside of Heaven by John Groberg is about a missionary. He travels to a country where no one speaks english and fights to spread his faith. He is forced to face many challenges and give up many of the things we take for granted. He never gives up. "I not only can but I will." He learns to speak the new language and helps the people rebuild their community after a hurricane.

Trust Addiction and Happiness

The Kindness of Strangers Penniless Across America by Mike McIntyre had a lot of interesting points. Mike traveled across America to escape the strain and conformity of his life. Throughout his journey he meets many strangers who he has to get to trust him and has to trust them. He described trust as being the biggest obstacle throughout his travels. Trusting himself, others, and getting others to trust him was really difficult for him. He met some really creepy people but he would take a chance and trust the next person he came across. He put his life in other peoples hands. He also said "We know who we are. The hardest part is trying to be that person. It is much easier to be someone else." I thought that was a really interesting point.

I have had many people in my family fight addiction and I could relate to Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis and Larry Sloman. As children my mom and her eight brothers and sisters were on their own for most of the day. A single mom with a full time job couldn't keep track of all nine of her children every second. They were able to get away with a lot of things that I never would be able to. In Scar Tissue Anthony talks about his dad letting him try everything. Any parent now would say that's terrible and how would anyone let that happen. But that's life. Now my aunts and uncles have grown up but many of them struggle with alcohol and cigarette addictions. I have seen it drive apart a marriage and really run people's lives. It is incredibly hard to get someone who isn't willing to quit to quit. Anthony talks about that and I have seen it first hand. It is hard and it hurts a lot of people.

Live Like Jay! I had never heard this saying before listening to the presentation on Making Mavericks by Frosty Hesson but I love the message. I have always connected to saying about striving for happiness and being happy even in the darkest moments. Jay was a happy and determined kid that Frosty ended up mentoring to surf. Jay was said to always have a smile on his face. It didn't matter what Frosty put him through or if he had a bad day surfing. He always found something good. Bad things happen but you can choose to let them run your life or make the best of it. You can choose to move on and appreciate
what happened without letting it hurt you. 

Love Out of Loss

Memoirs are usually about some of the hardest times in a persons life. It shows how they've grown into the person they are today. Everyone has a unique story to tell and most of them involve losing someone.

In Girl, Interrupted, Susanna Kaysen talks about being in a mental hospital. She has lost her privacy and possibly sanity but she can find love in the institution. She makes friends with the other girls and can enjoy her time. The book looked incredibly interesting. One of the lines that was in the trailer, "Whole families are crazy, but each family only has the money to put a few in the hospital to get fixed", really stuck with me. I thought it was an interesting view and very true. Why is one person considered crazier than the other? Aren't we all a little crazy?

The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls is about a girl who grew up with parents that weren't real parents. She raised herself with the he-

lp of her siblings. She missed out on a lot growing up but she doesn't have a bad thing to say about her parents. They were terrible parents but they still all loved each other. I am reading this book next.

The Last Lecture is definitely a book about living life to the fullest. Randy Pausch is dying but that doesn't stop him for a minute. He would "never stop having fun". I don't know if I would read it but it sounded very interesting. A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers is a story of loss. Both of Dave's parents die and he is left to care for his younger brother. This book is intriguing and I might read it.

Two Kisses for Maddy, by Matthew Lugelin is definitely on my books to read list! The father-daughter relationship is something I can really connect to. Having lost a parent myself I can relate. I saw my mom live for me and my brother like Matthew lives for Maddy.

A few other memoirs were presented this week but these were my favorite ones. Under the Overpass looked somewhat interesting but it didn't stick with me like the first ones did. The two about Navy Seals weren't interesting to me and looked intense. I LOVE having new books to read!

Memoirs and The War (1994)

Jon Avnet's movie, The War, was created in 1994 and is loosely based on a memoir about a young girl growing up in the south after her father returned from the Vietnam War. In the movie, Lydia is a twelve year old girl writing her memoir for school. Memoir is simply a written reflection about a time in a persons life. Lidia focuses much of her memoir on her father, Stephen, and her brother, Stu. Both men have extreme conflicts, internally and externally, throughout the film. While she is writing, Lydia gets the chance to look back on these conflicts and learn for them. Lidia is able to see that war makes people do crazy things that they may regret their entire lives but simple acts of kindness may be able to solve conflicts. 

Growing up in a poor town in Mississippi, Lidia and brother have an ongoing war with the Lipnicki family. The Lipnicki's are the poorest family in town and considered the lowest class. Lydia and family are also struggling with money but they aren't as bad as the Lipnicki's. The Lipnicki kids are abused and uncared for by their drunk of a father. The older boys take care of the younger ones. Stu and the boys don't get along in the slightest. They are always trying to start something with the other. The day Stu and his father go to auction the Lipnicki's start a big fight. Stu and Stephen are driving to the auction house to place a bid on a house but the car keeps stalling. The whole Lipnicki family, drunk father and all, are behind them and begin rear ending them. Stu gets angry and starts yelling at the Lipnicki's. The kids yell insults back and forth until both fathers park their cars. Stephen doesn't want a fight but Stu is too angry to resist one last insult directed at the Lipnicki's father. He becomes enraged and starts towards Stu with a tire iron. This is where Stephen steps in. With his training from the military, Stephen grabs the Lipnicki father, drags him to the ground, and hold his neck in such a way he could snap it in an instant. The fight is over between the fathers now but the Lipnicki thugs aren't done. They corner and beat up Stu. Stu fights back until his father comes and takes him away. "I can't tell you never to fight, Stu. But if you want to know what I think, I think the only thing that keeps people truly safe and happy is love. I think that's where men get their courage. That's where countries get their strength. That's where God grants us our miracles. And in the absence of love, Stuart, there is nothing, nothing in this world worth fighting for" (IMDB). Stephen tells Stu that fighting will not solve his problems. As they leave the auction house, Stephen takes the two cotton candy's he had bought for Lydia and his wife and gave them to the two youngest of the Lipnicki's. The kids were shocked by the kindness. So much so that they were no longer mad and seeking revenge. 

Stephen is a veteran of the Vietnam war. He has nightmares and suffers from PTSD. PTSD is an internal conflict. In Stephen's case, he is battling his guilt from Vietnam. While in battle, Stephen had a great friend. The two of them went through boot camps and everything together. During a night raid, Stephens right hand man was injured. Stephen fought to get the two of them back to the helicopter and then back to camp but he couldn't. When they reached the helicopter the soldier on board told them they could only carry one more passenger. Stephen yelled and even held the soldier at gunpoint but they were both going to be left behind if he continued. Stephen was afraid and didn't want to be left behind. His friend was dying next to him. Stephen went to his friend and told him 'go with God'. His friend closed his eyes and Stephen boarded the helicopter.  "Boy, sometimes all it takes is a split second for you to do something you'll regret the whole rest of your life" (IMDB). Stephen couldn't forgive himself for what he had done and that's how he got PTSD. His inability to focus, flares of anger, and reoccurring nightmare all came from his internal battle of guilt. Stephen has to live with that guilt everyday, but on one of his last days his internal conflict is lessened by an act of kindness. Stephen goes to work at a water plant with one his new friends, a black man. While the two of them are working in a cave, part of the cave collapses. There is a giant rock on top of Stephens black friend's legs. The friend tells Stephen to get out before he gets hurt too but Stephen refuses. Many of the other workers would have left the man for dead because of his skin color but Stephen know that no one person is better than the other. Stephen gets a large stick and proceeds to wedge it under the rock. Using his whole body weight, Stephen is able to lift the rock up enough for his friend to wiggle out from underneath. Stephen refuses to let one of his friends die while he stands by. Part of his guilt dissipated when he saved his friend. Stephen was resolving part of his PTSD. 

When Stephen dies from his accident at work tensions run high. Stu feels lost and angry. He ends up running away to the tree house his friends, Lidia, her friends, and he had built earlier that year. The group of kids had conflicts with the Lipnicki's over the tree house prior to this point but after the last dare the Lipnicki's promised to leave the tree house to them. Unfortunately, they broke that promise. All of the kids who worked to create the tree house are sitting in the tree when the Lipnicki's appear below. This time a dare or a fist fight isn't going to cut it. Both sides bring out real weapons. Stu breaks into his father's old war supplies including smoke bombs, face paint, and flairs. The Lipnicki's steal some of the flairs and set the tree house on fire. They also find a tractor to help their side of the war. The tree house is being destroyed and everyone is getting hurt but none of them are able to see how out of control it has gotten. "War is like a big machine that no one really knows how to run and when it gets out of control it ends up destroying the things you thought you were fighting for, and a lot of other things you kinda forgot you had" (IMDB). The youngest of the Lipnicki's, Billy, runs to the water tower where the key to the tree house door is. Stu runs after him and the rest of the kids follow. By the time the kids reach him, Billy is on the old roof above swirling water inches away from the key. He falls through and is unable to swim through the current. Stu jumps in the water and barely manages to get Billy out of the water. However, Billy is stone cold and not breathing. Stu and Lydia slap, yell, and perform CPR to try and save him. The Lipnicki's have given up hope. They are trying to make Stu stop and let Billy go in peace. Finally Billy takes a breath. Stu and Lydia were able to save Billy's life and stop all future conflict with the Lipnicki's. They could have stopped and let Billy die but they didn't.

War makes people do some terrible things and causes huge problems later on. Lydia was unable to see the craziness while she was living these experiences but looking back she understands. When living in the moment it is nearly impossible to step back and gain some perspective of what's going on around it. Lydia was unable to see the destruction and hurt all around her. She also didn't see the impact of kindness. All of the little things her father and brother did made the conflict lessen.  

War

I don't know much about war, history isn't really my subject. Last year we learned about the Vietnam war. It was the first and last televised war. Vietnam changed a lot of things for America. This is when the anti-war movement really caught the nation's attention. Before Vietnam, Americans were more supportive of the veterans and their cause. When the veterans came home from Vietnam, instead of being greeted warmly and celebrated, they were booed and spat at. Americans mentality of war changed.

My uncle was a vet. He wasn't on a front line or anything but he saw his fair share of awfulness. I don't remember what war he fought in but he retired only a few years ago. He came out with minimal post traumatic stress. I know it is technically diagnosed as PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder, but I don't believe it is a disorder. In every situation we react. It what humans do. In stressful situations, like war and death, we react. This stress is extreme like the situation. It isn't a surprise that such a life changing event could have that large of an effect later on. Every person reacts differently and every case of PTS is different.

Now my uncle works with retired vets. He sees all kinds of problems people develop from this stress. Most common, is substance abuse. He becomes like a sponsor to these people and gets them through rehab. It is incredibly unfortunate that these people feel like they can only escape these horrors by hurting themselves. I was never pro-war. I don't think I ever will be. That being said, I have the greatest respect for these people who will risk their life for their country. What they see is truly horrible and most of them will never be the same when they get back home. I think that is why I am anti-war. If I believe strongly in a cause I will fight for it, just in a different way. I can't handle the loss in humanity and human rights that comes with war. War kills people physically and mentally.

His Last Day

I walked into the room I'd watched being built from the ground up. The high ceilings opened up the room filled with strangers. Light from the skylights and the french doors, leading to the backyard, on the far side of the room chased shadows over the blue L-shaped couch centered in the room. A shadow also crossed over the face of my father. My dad was lying very still on his portable hospital bed. This room that used to smell like home, a mixture of pets, my moms cooking, and laundry soap, now smelled like a hospital.

 My brother was sitting on the floor playing on the Xbox with one of our cousins while relatives I have only met a handful of times crowded around each other and my dad. As I approached they left to converge in other corners of the room. I could feel their sympathetic gaze follow me as I passed them. In my hand I held a picture I had drawn earlier that day. I held the picture in front of my dads face with one hand and placed the other on his arm to get his attention. As he opened his eyes, he smiled and motioned for me to hang it up. I found my mom and asked her for tape. She followed me back over to his bed and helped me tape the picture to the window. Here he could see it without turning over.

 My mom asked me if I wanted to help and I nodded. She handed me a bottle of lotion we got from the hospital. I couldn't place the smell but I liked it. The label said it was for extra dry skin. I asked my dad if he wanted me to put it on his legs where his skin was cracking from the dry and cold December air. He was in too much pain to put it on himself. He hurt every time he moved. The colorectal cancer had spread extensively over the two years he had it. His liver was poisoned and stopped working properly. His skin had a yellowish tint and the once clear blue eyes became greenish yellow. The whites of his eyes were yellow and the red veins became pronounced against the yellow background.

 His reply was a barely audible yes. The rough, gravelly voice I loved growing up had become an airy whisper. I squirted out a bit of lotion and rubbed it between my hands to warm it up. When it became a useable temperature I rubbed it on his legs. I repeated the process until both of his legs were back to a normal texture. I finished and asked Dad if it felt better. His 'yes' was even harder to understand this time. I was still holding the lotion and standing beside him when I noticed something in His open mouth. This brownish liquid was coming up his throat. I quickly called to my mom and told her to come see this. He started choking and my mom's friend, Lisa the nurse, came over to see what she could do. Her and my mom told everyone to move to the other room. All the kids were rushed out of the room by the other adults but I didn't move. I couldn't. My feet were nailed to the floor and my eyes were glued to my father. I knew this wasn't good.

I felt two hands on my shoulders. It was my mom pushing me out of the room. I still resisted but slowly started to move towards the door. I kept looking back over my shoulder. Lisa was backing away from my dad and moving to my mom. I kept walking. As I stepped through the door I knew he was gone. My mom started crying. I was in shock and kept walking to the room I was supposed to go to. Not more than a minute later I was called back in with my brother. My mom led us straight past my dad to the couch. Here we sat, in the same place we were three days earlier when Mom first told us Dad was dying. She confirmed what I already knew. Now I cried. I never thought I would be able to stop.

Eventually I did stop. I ran out of tears and found I still had the bottle of lotion in my hands. Everyone in my house was crying now but I just walked past them. I opened the door to my room and placed the bottle on my shelf. I still have it almost ten years later. It's a token of our last moment together. His last words were to me, his angel baby girl, and I will never let myself forget them. That day brings back so much pain but it is one of my most cherished memories. His last day and my first day of learning to live without my hero, role-model, and best friend. I will always love and miss him.

Moments

Me reading The Fault in Our Stars

Hello friends, my name is M.E.

To introduce myself, I am going to share some of my favorite things. I love to read but I don't have a lot of time to do so. I am open to trying anything but recently I've been reading fantasy books like The Mortal Instruments Series and its sister series, The Clockwork Instruments. I have read and loved all of the Harry Potter books. If I had to pick a favorite book I would pick The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I had run out of things too do waiting around at the airport and my mom had it on her IPad. I started it around 8:00 and couldn't put it down the entire flight. I didn't sleep at all that night. I was one of the only people on the plane awake but that was okay because I didn't need everyone to see me bawling my eyes out!

I like movies too but I sit still long enough to watch a lot of them. I am still a five year old at heart so I've seen almost all of the new Disney and Pixar movies. My favorite is Tangled. One of my friends thought if I was a Disney character I would be her. I would love to be her. I recently had a Fast and Furious marathon which I loved. I think my favorite movies overall would have to be Pitch Perfect, Crazy Stupid Love, and The Proposal. I love the actors in all of them and I like funny movies.
This is one of my favorite scenes from Pitch Perfect. I really wish I could sing like them!!!

I could never choose one moment of my life that is my favorite or most important. Every moment makes me who I am and I would never change or trade those experiences. When asked about the best experience of my life I pick a moment when I was truly happy. Each time my answer changes, as I do growing up, but they nearly always include me laying on a beach. This summer I got to go back to my hometown in Massachusetts. I got to see all of my childhood friends and all of my family. I spent five of the six days I was there on the beach.

I couldn't stop smiling the whole time I was there. This home brings back some bittersweet memories. Memories of losing people I loved and falling out of touch with the people who knew me better than I knew myself. It will always be my first home and it might become my home again. If I get into my beautiful dream school, Tufts University, Medford/Somerville will be my home for my college years. 

Tour of Tufts University: